How to Negotiate with a Narcissist: 8 Tips for Success

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• business communications, international communications, leadership skills, negotiations

Negotiating with a narcissist can be one of the most challenging experiences, whether it’s in your professional life, personal relationships, or even daily encounters. Narcissists have an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. These aspects make traditional negotiation tactics ineffective or even counterproductive. However, the right strategies can help you to negotiate with a narcissist more successfully.

1. Recognize the Narcissist’s Mindset

To successfully negotiate with a narcissist, one must recognize their mindset. Narcissists are driven by their own needs and desires. They tend to have a warped vision of reality, stretching the facts to match their individual view. Narcissists want to be viewed as successful, powerful and smart. They want to win so they avoid outcomes that are logical or fair, instead opting for terms in their favour. They also like making their opponent lose control. Recognizing the narcissist’s mindset is the first step; it allows you to leverage their weaknesses, craft your communication, and anticipate their reactions.

2. Characterize the Negotiation using the Narcissist’s Mindset

It’s important to determine whether the negotiation is transactional or relational:

• Transactional Negotiation: This type of negotiation focuses on the immediate exchange of goods, services, or information. The primary goal is to achieve a specific outcome or deal, often with little regard for the long-term relationship between the parties involved. Key characteristics include a clear, defined objective, a focus on price or terms, and a one-time interaction.
• Relational Negotiation: In contrast, relational negotiation prioritizes the long-term relationship between the parties. The goal is to build trust, foster collaboration, and create mutually beneficial outcomes over time. This type of negotiation often involves ongoing interactions, a focus on understanding each other’s needs and interests, and a willingness to compromise for the sake of the relationship.

Be careful as narcissists tend to view all negotiations as transactional, caring less about a long-term relationship and more about the short-term “win.” Research has demonstrated transactional negotiators achieve better terms against relational negotiators. So, you may need to characterize a negotiation differently with a narcissist.

3. Gain Power with a Broad Look at Your Negotiating Position

When characterizing your negotiating position, it’s also essential to assess the balance of power between the parties involved. Consider factors such as:

• Leverage: Do you have something the other party needs or wants more than you need or want what they offer? Consider the narcissist’s ego, reputation, and other things that money can’t buy. These could offer more leverage over the narcissist.
• Alternatives: Do you have strong alternatives if the negotiation doesn’t go your way? The better your alternatives, the stronger your position. Think creatively here, what alternative would make the narcissist look bad?
• Time: Are you or the other party under time pressure? The one under time pressure has a weaker power position so avoid deadlines and exploit deadlines claimed by the narcissist. Be careful here as they may lie about a deadline so you expose a “final offer.”
• Information: Do you have more information about the situation, the market, or the other party’s needs and constraints? More information can give you an advantage.
• History: Do you have a long-standing relationship or history with the other party that can influence the negotiation dynamics? Strong relationships or experience provides an advantage. Changing to a new product takes time and money.

By understanding these factors, you can better characterize your negotiating position as either having more power, being equal, or having less power. This awareness will help you tailor your strategy and approach to achieve the best possible outcome.

4. Manage Your Emotions and Stroke Their Ego

It’s easy to get frustrated or upset when dealing with narcissistic behaviour, but maintaining your composure is crucial. Narcissists like to destabilize and provoke a reaction to demonstrate their power and to dominate. Stay calm, keep your emotions in check, and don’t take their tactics personally. It may help to think of them as having a psychological problem or simply as a spoiled child.

Avoid a screaming battle by softening the narcissists with active listening skills, mirroring, compliments then sharing your thoughts, for example –

“It’s amazing what you have done with this company. Very impressive. We also have…”

“I’m impressed with your assessment of the situation. You mentioned….”

5. Appeal to the Narcissist Self-Interest

Since narcissists are primarily motivated by their own interests, frame your proposals in a way that benefits them. Highlight how the outcome will serve their goals or enhance their image. This approach is more likely to get their buy-in than appeals to fairness or empathy.

Narcissists may start with an extreme negotiation position. This tends to anchor the negotiations in a favourable position for the narcissists. Avoid countering. Instead try –

• SILENCE – Say nothing and look shocked. The other party may adjust their opening.
• EXPLAIN HOW THIS POSITION WILL HURT THEM – For example, “At that price, we would lose money so the product would not be available.”
• “HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO DO THAT” – Chris Voss suggests saying this line as it puts the other party on the defensive and they will start to soften their negotiating position. (1)

6. Limit Personal Sharing with a Narcissist

Narcissists may use personal information against you, especially if it gives them leverage. Keep conversations focused on the issue at hand and avoid divulging any sensitive details about your feelings, weaknesses, company politics, or private life.

7. Use Objective Criteria

When you negotiate with a narcissist, ground your negotiation in facts, data, and objective standards. This reduces the narcissist’s ability to twist the conversation to suit his narrative and helps keep discussions anchored in reality. The narcissists may use exaggerated, old, and even fabricated data, so always obtain and check the narcissist’s references.

Be prepared to counter false facts by researching data from recent and credible sources. Be careful not to embarrass the narcissist when correcting him as he may lash-out. Instead, present your data like this: “Oh yes, I understand why you believe those numbers as I also saw that data. However, take a look at what we found…”

8. Know When to Walk Away

Narcissists often push limits to get what they want. Be clear and firm about your boundaries from the outset. Don’t be afraid to say “no” or to walk away if your limits are being ignored. Consistency is key—if they sense weakness, they may try to exploit it.

Sometimes, the best negotiation is the one you don’t have. If you find that the narcissist is being unreasonable or abusive, it’s okay to end the conversation. Protecting your well-being is more important than reaching a deal at any cost.

Conclusion

Negotiating with a narcissist requires patience, preparation, and a clear strategy. By understanding their mindset, managing your emotions, and focusing on your own boundaries and objectives, you can increase your chances of achieving a positive outcome. Remember, you can’t change the narcissist, but you can control your approach and protect your interests.

References

(1) Voss, Chris (2017) Never Split the Difference, Penguin Random House, London, UK.

Author

Kimberly VanLandingham is the founder, trainer, and strategist for European Market Link Sarl, including Presentation Training Switzerland. Specialising in international and technical leaders and teams, she facilitates live training courses in Switzerland, covering public speaking and other communication skills. Kimberly has over 12 year experience helping clients with communications, 20 years experience at the DuPont company, with degrees in engineering and communications.

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